Citizenship test

I found a quiz on the web that roughly simulates that which is given by the INS to prospective citizens. Either I had a particularly easy random subset of questions, or I'm not a complete moron. Perhaps the link below will still work by the time you read this page.

Ass Backwards

Ass-backwards

Ass-backwards is a commonly used phrase to describe something that's done wrong, usually without apparent reason, and in most cases is used to describe something that could be done better the *opposite* way of how it's actually implemented.

A "kid friendly" way of saying this is "bass-ackwards". This has about as much credibility as "gosh darn" and "shucks", if you ask me. Which I realize you haven't, since this web page is a one-way conversation. But you've read this far - I might as well anticipate some questions you might have, and try to address them.

Anyhow...

So now we know what ass backwards IS. The next question is "What is an example of something that is ass backwards?"

Well, literally, ASS backwards is SSA. Not surprisingly, SSA is the commonly used acronym of the Social Security Administration. So we can see that, by its very name, the SSA is ASS backwards.

What, other than the name, is ass-backwards about the Social Security Administration? For starters, it's based a system that assumes you're not intelligent enough to manage your own finances. The theory is something like "Since we believe that you're not responsible enough to support yourself, we'll force you to support someone else instead."

Ass backwards.

To Die For

Risking death - or worse.

First, a little background.

I found myself at work the other night faced with a terrible decision. First, there was only one (1) coffee filter, which means that only one (1) pot of coffee could be made, unless you subscribe to re-using a filter or running the coffee grounds through the machine again. Past experience with trying to dump out old grounds proved that the filter rips like a... a... well.. I can't think of anything that something might "rip like". Suffice it to say, it rips. The idea that running the coffee grounds through the machine again is a poor one was one of the earliest lessons I remember learning, right after "don't play in the street" and "don't try to turn off the garden hose when there are a bunch of bees by the faucet." So as you can see, I was limited to one (1) pot of coffee for the evening. Being that I was the only coffee drinker in the office that night, being limited to one (1) pot of coffee didn't seem to be a very big deal.

Moving forward...

It had been about a week since we'd run out of dish soap in the break room. Fortunately, someone managed to remember to bring some in, or the cleaning crew restocked us, or something. At any rate, we now had dish soap. Given that it had probably been a week or so since the coffee pots had been cleaned, I decided to wash them. While I was "washing them" (actually, just running hot water into them and occasionally squirting some dish soap into the pots), I noticed a package of URNEX® Urn & Brewer Cleaner sitting right there on the counter, almost tempting me to use it. After reading the instructions, I cleaned the pots out with it, and then dumped it into the coffee maker to clean out all the inside parts that normally would be all nasty and funkified. After running the coffee maker through about 6 "empty" brewing cycles (no coffee - just the water), the water stopped coming out with a bluish tint, so I figured it was all rinsed out. Still, I ran it through 2 or 3 more cycles, just in case.

Finally, after an hour of off and on coffee machine maintenance (note to any executives / directors / managers that may be reading this - this is how I spent my lunch hour), I was ready to brew my sole pot of coffee for the night. A few long minutes later, I tasted my first sip of the night - and it tasted odd. There are a few reasons I can think of that this might be:

1. It was clean, so it didn't taste like months worth of caked-on funk.
2. There was still some "Harmful if swallowed" URNEX® Urn & Brewer Cleaner remaining.
3. My mind was playing tricks on me, because I was concerned about #2.

Remember I only had one filter. I now had to choose between drinking water for the remainder of the evening, or drinking off-tasting coffee (and possibly dying.) I chose coffee. Why? Well, for starters, I didn't really think I would die. And I haven't, yet, as far as I can tell. This brought me to the realization that I'm apparently willing to die (or, at the very least, risk death) for a cup of coffee.

That's pretty much the end of my article. I thought I'd leave you with the results of a little research I did. I was going to make witty comments about each of these.. but.. well.. I'm busy. Deal with it.

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I decided to do a quick search on Google for what people have said they'd die for. Below is a partial list of my findings:

• People
• I'd die for a friend
• I'd die for a kiss from Allison
• I'd die for a 25-year-old
• I'd die for a boyfriend like that
• I'd die for a chance to meet Jennifer in real life!
• I'd die for a guy like James.
• I'd die for a chance to get a backstage pass to meet (Cyndi Lauper) in person!!!!!!!!!
• I'd die for a true friend
• Food
• I'd die for a pie
• I'd die for a decent-tasting apricot or tomato
• I'd die for a McDonald's
• I'd die for a soft taco
• I'd die for a drink
• I'd die for a roast beef po boy or a great plate of red beans and rice right now!
• I'd die for a good cappuccino
• I'd die for a sandwich
• I'd die for a home cooked meal
• I'd die for a bag of chips
• I'd die for a Cedar Dooor margarita
• I'd die for a coke
• I'd die for a Pepsi
• I'd die for a sandwich topped with dried game
• I'd die for a piece of chocolate. ..
• I'd die for a sandwich
• I'd die for a hamburger.
• I'd die for a cup of tea
• Vehicles
• I'd die for a 289 with the huge flares and tires
• I'd die for a 350 (Nissan)
• I'd die for a '38 convertible coupe with side-mounts
• I'd die for a ride in a convertible
• , i’d die for a good taxi-driver’s pump!
• Electronics
• I'd die for a ping of 200
• i'd die for a nice half stack and a good processor
• I'd die for a Savage 120 (tube amp)
• I'd die for a cell phone
• I'd die for a Sonic Adventure game on a Nintendo system
• I'd die for a new Play Station 2
• I'd die for a real Tele
• I'd die for a copy of "The Truth About Women" in mp3/ram
• I'd die for a freaking 1400 (score in some game)
• I'd die for a tablet right about now (referring to a computer input device.. like a wacom)
• 
  
• Comfort / Health / Beauty
  
• I'd die for a better/peaceful world for my sons to grow up in.
• I'd die for a day of warm climate
• I'd die for a hug right this minute
• I'd die for a good massage
• I'd die for a body that sexy
• I'd die for a figure like yours
• I'd die for a complexion like that
• I'd die for a few broken ribs right now
• Fashion
• I'd die for a dress like that
• I'd die for a Chuck Barris costume
• I'd die for photo-gray lenses! [Just like Mr. Rader's.]
• 
  
• Knowledge and Literature
  
• I'd die for a B. (in Algebra)
• I'd die for a copy of "The Wisdom" (a book)
• I'd die for a letter like that
• Entertainment
• I'd die for a crowded party and dancing the hole night through and so on.
• I'd die for a Pixies reunion
• Other material goods
• I'd die for a cigarette
• I'd die for a couple of HO NR locos on my layout
• I'd die for a Miss Piggy with the modern, flat hairstyle from Muppets from Space or the hairstyle from The Muppets Take manhattan
• I'd die for a city job.
  
• Other intangibles
• I'd die for a maybe
• I'd die for a good cause